Lauren’s Note: This is another guest post from BritishRob. I find myself bugging him to blog all the time not only because it helps our blog but because I find his blogs so freaking hilarious and I need him to entertain me. Dance, monkey, dance! Just kidding. But seriously, his reviews are awesome and I’m glad he blogs for us. Next time he’ll be blogging under his own name again but he wrote this during The Big Blog Change so I’m posting for him now. Without further ado… here’s Rob.
I’ve been trying to find the words to describe what exactly is going on in my head when I open boxes from Danklo, but I’ve been completely flummoxed by the things they’ve been sending me. There’s something so incredibly amateurish and sketchy sounding about Danklo that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s the fact that the boxes they’ve sent me have been plain white boxes, with a logo cut out from a low resolution printed sheet of paper and affixed by scotch tape. Maybe it’s the fact that they kind of send you junk. Maybe it’s the money “incentive” they add to attract subscribers, and I STILL don’t know how they can be profitable. Maybe it’s the fact that I forgot to update my expired credit card and their billing “team” sent out an email with EVERYONE’S EMAIL VISIBLE. Dude, do you even BCC? I was half expecting a hurricane of reply-all to make landfall, the way it does when That One Guy at the office doesn’t know how to send an email to one person, and it devolves into everyone reply-alling saying “please remove me from this list” and flooding everyone’s inbox with inane prattle and whining.
E-mail is hard, you guys.
Anyway, that kind of gross privacy violation and rampant unprofessionalism was the final nail in the coffin for me with them, as if these boxes o’ junk they sent me weren’t bad enough. What am I going to do with all this extra money I save every month? I suppose I could go rummaging through the discount bins at Walmart and see what I unearth, like some kind of dollar store spelunker, and walk out with approximately the same quality goods but with less of a feeling like my credit card information is suddenly at risk thanks to inept employees.
(Editor’s Note: There are actually 3 categories of Danklo subscriptions: A $7.99 box, which contains 1-2 items, a $10.99 box which contains 1-3 items and a $13.99 box which contains 1-5 items. This “top tier” (LOL) box is the one that Rob gets.)
I’m in the middle of a big work project right now so I APOLOGIZE for the slapdash nature of this review. In much the same way I feel like Danklo should apologize to me for these slapdash boxes. Ugh.
The box contains:
- A big old bag of screen wipes
- Krazy Glue
- A set of AAA and AA batteries
- Hand sanitizer
- Six dollars (US currency)
Oh man, do I really need to write this up? Okay.
Screen wipes are useful, I guess? If you’re the kind of person who routinely “sprays coffee all over their computer” laughing at comments on Jezebel, as people profess to be, perhaps a wet paper towel isn’t enough to do the job. Or perhaps you’re on of those people who microwaves fish at the office and a messy eater, and you need to get fish juice off your monitor. I don’t know. Either way, I thought these would be kind of useful when I first got them, and then I realized I could actually steal them from the office supply closet in bulk. I have yet to use this, but the plastic zipper case they came in could be useful, if I want to keep pens in it or something. Just make sure you don’t confuse them with wet naps after a fried chicken binge. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
I feel almost sorry for whomever it is that has to write up the stuff they send you in the leaflets, because even this person was kind of reaching. “The #1 super glue!” it says, half-heartedly trying to get you excited, like a drunk hype man who knows his boss can’t really rap. “Handy to have around the house, just in case!” I suppose I do GLUE a lot of things (I don’t), though I suppose in a pinch it could be good for fixing cuts or something? The much-lauded “precision tip!” is actually a bullet point here as well. Krazy Glue definitely thought ahead of the curve on this one: those other super glue miscreants make you use a hose to apply your super glue!
Because everyone’s so dirty, I’m so dirty, you’re so dirty, everything is SO DIRTY. I read somewhere that Howie Mandel is actually a huge germophobe, has his own private bathroom when he hosts Deal or No Deal (is that show still on?), and won’t shake hands with people, so he fistbumps them instead. I suppose there’s less risk of tranferring germ-riddled palm sweat using such a method, though how can I judge his worth as a man if I don’t know if his handshake is firm or not? I suppose the world will have to toil never knowing. Anyway, hand sanitizer is useful if you’re out somewhere like a festival, where those disease cauldrons known as porta-potties (we call them “portaloos” in the UK, FYI) tend to not have much in the way of hand washing facilities. Or I suppose it’s useful if you’re in an office full of IT people who think that washing their hands, like, ever is totally pointless. Or maybe you think the microphones at your local karaoke dive are disgusting (they are) and you feel a need to spread this all over your face after singing Journey, but don’t do that, because this is HAND SANITIZER and not for your face. Or maybe it is? Idk, I’m not the boss of you.
SIX AMERICAN DOLLARS. Woohoo! That’s like a six-pack of Olympia in Portland. Thanks for the beer, Danklo.
They actually TOLD me the theme this month, and it is “Household”, complete with clip art of a house, in case I wasn’t sure what the word “household” implies. This box represents Danklo trying to be a little more professional. They even give you the prices of what these items are worth at retail, though to be honest I think they’re being kind of optimistic.
This month’s box contains:
- A “Cloud Key Holder” – $6
- Kinetic Sand – $8
- Ocean Sky Candle – $3
- A lint roller – $3
- Tingle Head Massager – $5
- A dollar
The Cloud Key Holder
“Never lose your keys again…the bright white cloud is the first place you’ll look before you leave the house.” Ugh. This is some ugly ass magnet that you can stick to “your favorite place on the wall” and then the magnet just holds up your keys by the key ring. I guess the idea was, cool, it looks your keys are raining from the cloud! This assumes that your keys have a ring that will be attracted by the magnet, or that you don’t carry around a billion things on your key chain (bottle openers, belt buckles, cans of mace) that might be too heavy for this sad little magnet to hold up. And let’s get real: this thing is ugly as hell. I’m in favor of a designated key spot in your home, but this thing is not going to elicit any kind of response except befuddlement that you have NO TASTE in key holders.
I guess you can give this to your kids to pour all over the dog, or to eat or whatever. The idea seems to be that squeezing it and playing with it is some kind of therapeutic endeavor, like a stress ball, except you can get this stuff everywhere. Apparently it sticks together and will totally not make a big mess, but I was honestly afraid to let it out of the bag in case it was some kind of dormant alien life form masquerading as a relaxation aid. Kind of like how the yogurt is really a mind controlling alien in “The Stuff.” You know the one. That reminds me, I kind of want one of those mini Japanese sand garden things for my desk. Sand is cool. This stuff isn’t. It feels like wet cement, though I suppose you could bring it in your carry on, pack it into a sock and kosh someone over the head if they look at you funny. “But it’s just SAND,” you can yell at the TSA as they ship you off to Guantanamo. (Lauren’s Note: Rob is a monster because Kinetic Sand is AWESOME. My niece and nephew brought it over one time and I think I was having way more fun playing with it than they were.)
Ocean Sky Candle
As someone who has a healthy fear of fire AND a forgetful nature, I tend to avoid lighting candles lest I forget that I have done so and my apartment becomes a raging inferno as the ghost from the Final Destination movies sees fit to knock the thing over. I have no idea how this smells, but apparently it’s soy! There again, we all know that cheap candles are probably better suited for birthday cakes and not for scenting our apartments. I took a quick smell of those one (unlit) and thought it smelled like a cross between a dentist’s office and a funeral parlor. Imagine bringing someone home from the bar and they say “what’s that smell?” and you say “it’s my three dollar Ocean Sky soy candle!” and TRY to imagine how they follow that statement. That’s actually how I approach a lot of life decisions, incidentally.
A lint roller
It’s a lint roller. If you have a cat, long hair, or a dust obsession, you know what one of these is. I’m not reviewing a lint roller. I have my pride.
Tingle Head Massager
Okay, I DID have a go with this, because it looks like a whisk was fused with a spider in some kind of David Cronenberg-esque teleporter accident. And it’s WEIRD as hell. I thought it would be scratchy, but instead it felt like I was being tickled. It caused a somewhat weird sensation up my spine, so it’s obviously doing something, but it was the complete antithesis of relaxation. Maybe if I double teamed myself with this AND the kinetic sand? Again, let’s apply the “bringing someone home” rule…yeah, nope. Not gonna happen. Anyway, this contraption could be kind of cool just to have laying around if you want to freak people out. It looks like it was created for use by some kind of eighteenth century apothecary, for use in conjunction with a prescription of leeches. (Lauren’s Note: Rob really needs to try this with another person rubbing it on his head for him. It looks weird but trust, it feels incredible. I hope he hasn’t thrown it in the garbage yet. He’s missing out!)
ONE EARTH DOLLAR (US CURRENCY)
I rarely use cash, so having the occasional dollar bill to tip a KJ is kind of useful.
Final Grade: F
Final grade: both Danklo boxes get a roaring F-, maybe up to a D+ because it was so much fun writing this post. Either way, the whole thing is kind of sketchy seeming, you’re guaranteed stuff that you can only get rid of if you hoard it for the office Secret Santa, and you’re going to feel dumb for actually putting any of this garbage on public display. Avoid!
Rob pays for this subscription and all honest opinions are his own. Obviously.